Have you ever found yourself saying yes when you really wanted to say no? Have you agreed to plans, favors, or responsibilities out of fear of upsetting someone, even when you knew it wasn’t what you truly wanted?
For those of us who struggle with people pleasing, the answer is often a resounding "yes."
As someone who has experienced chronic blushing and struggled with the anxiety that comes from being overly concerned with others' opinions, I know firsthand how people pleasing can leave us feeling disconnected from ourselves.
When we try to be everything to everyone, we deny ourselves what we truly want, betraying our own needs, desires, and boundaries. It's exhausting, unsustainable, and ultimately damaging to our mental and emotional health.
The Hero Complex: "You Can't Be a Hero in Everyone's Story"
I heard a podcast recently where the host said, “You can’t be a hero in everyone’s story.” This really stuck with me. It’s a reminder that no matter how hard we try to be liked, appreciated, and valued by others, there will always be someone who is disappointed, someone who feels let down, or even upset. And that’s okay. We can't control how others perceive us, and striving to do so only leads to frustration and self-betrayal.
The truth is, being a people pleaser often comes from a deep-rooted fear of rejection, abandonment, or disapproval. We're afraid to say no or set boundaries because we fear it might hurt someone’s feelings, or worse, that they won’t like us anymore. But in doing so, we sacrifice our own needs and betray our own values. We become the "villain" in our own story, denying ourselves the kindness and care we so freely give to others.
Why We Fear Disappointing Others
Why are we so afraid of being disliked or having someone upset with us? At its core, people pleasing is often linked to a fear of rejection or abandonment. We believe that if we can keep others happy, we’ll be safe—we’ll maintain relationships, avoid conflict, and continue to be accepted. But this belief is rooted in a fear that we’re not enough as we are, and that our worth is dependent on how others feel about us.
When we fawn and please, we’re trying to stay safe by ensuring that others are happy with us. But this safety comes at a cost. We become disconnected from our own needs, values, and desires. We stop listening to our inner voice and start living in constant anxiety, trying to anticipate and meet the needs of everyone around us.
How People Pleasing Can Lead to Blushing
For many people who experience chronic blushing, the fear of judgment or disapproval from others can trigger a blush. People pleasing puts us in situations where we’re constantly worrying about how we’re perceived—did we make someone uncomfortable, did we say the right thing, will they still like us? This hyper-awareness of others' reactions often leads to a spike in anxiety, and for many of us, that anxiety manifests physically as blushing.
When we’re trying to please everyone around us, we often feel a heightened sense of vulnerability and self-consciousness. This, in turn, can cause our bodies to react with the familiar heat and flush of blushing, reinforcing the cycle of anxiety and discomfort.
Embracing Your Inner Villain: Kindness with Boundaries
It’s important to recognize that you can come from a place of love and kindness, and still be a "villain" in someone else's story. You can set boundaries, say no, or prioritize your own needs, and that doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you someone who honors themselves.
We are often taught that being "nice" means always saying yes, always being agreeable, and never causing discomfort. But true kindness doesn't mean sacrificing yourself for others. It means being honest and compassionate—first with yourself, and then with others.
When we learn to set boundaries and honor our own needs, we can show up more authentically in our relationships. We stop pretending to be someone we're not just to avoid conflict or disappointment, and we start building deeper, more honest connections. This may mean that not everyone will be happy with us all the time. And that’s okay.
Challenging the Beliefs Behind People Pleasing
If you find yourself trapped in the cycle of people pleasing, it's important to start challenging the beliefs that are keeping you there. Ask yourself:
Why do I feel responsible for other people’s feelings?
What am I afraid will happen if I say no?
What belief am I holding onto that makes me think I need to please everyone to stay safe?
What does it mean to me to disappoint someone?
These questions help to unearth the fears and limiting beliefs that drive our need to please. When we examine them, we often find that they aren’t as solid as we thought. We begin to see that our worth isn’t tied to how well we can meet others’ expectations, and that it’s okay to put ourselves first.
Practical Tips for Honoring Yourself
Practice Saying No: Start small. Say no to things that don’t align with your values or priorities. It will feel uncomfortable at first, but over time, you’ll find it easier to set boundaries without guilt.
Check In With Yourself: Before agreeing to something, pause and ask yourself, “Is this something I really want to do? How will this affect my energy and well-being?” This helps you make decisions that honor your needs.
Embrace Discomfort: It’s okay to feel uncomfortable when someone is upset with you. Their feelings are not your responsibility, and it’s not your job to fix them. Allow yourself to sit with that discomfort without rushing to smooth things over.
Affirm Your Worth: Remind yourself that your worth isn’t determined by how much you do for others or how well you can please them. You are enough, exactly as you are.
Set Boundaries with Compassion: You can be kind and still set firm boundaries. Practice saying things like, “I’d love to help, but I’m not available right now,” or “I value our relationship, and I need to be honest about what I can and can’t do.”
Remember, it's okay to be the "villain" in someone’s story if it means being the hero in your own. You deserve to be heard, respected, and cared for—not just by others, but by yourself. Let this be the moment you start prioritizing your own needs and honoring your true self, even when it feels hard.
Your journey to self-honoring starts with one simple truth: You can't be everything to everyone—and you don’t have to be.
For transparency, this blog was created with the assistance of ChatGPT. However, the Blushing Phoenix team actively shaped the content and guided the AI to ensure the post is authentic, educational, supportive, and engaging for our readers.
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